Dec 4, 2022

Tough at times, but l still believe


Not been a good year, nor had it felt like God answering prayers. 
Personal, pastoral, community, nor vocational.

Can you claim to be faithful and make

statement like this about unanswered questions discussion and Prayer.

Some say doubts, wrestling with concerns is not spiritual. 

In the processing of belief, we to ask tough stuff.

The writer here is Only the author of what they hold precious.

Not prepared to argue a message if can't call out lessons feel not learning.

feels bit like emptiness, echo, numbness.

That also how Light shines, in darkness in tough uncomfortable stuff.

Dec 3, 2022

70`S Were not Glam in any sense.

whats was Glam about the music of the 70`s?

Hair and the type of song. hippie clothes and stumbling relationships.

The food we ate.

A sense that was beginning an adventure.

Also music then was not so easily visible as some get it nower days.

Vinyl and tapes, we held the disc and we shared the music.

Attempted to look further dress like some of our idols.


Whatever you’re looking for in a holiday,” says the blurb on visitmalta.com, “a trip to the Maltese islands is an unmissable experience for any type of traveller”.

My head is somewhere else this week must be the chilly winter arriving in North UK.

Dec 2, 2022

They asked me about Rocky the movie, here my reflection.


This is accurate description of Boxing as profession, low pay, (recall my first payment, took out for food, dieted to make the weight, then Doctor,weighing scales guy,Judge plus trainer, lastly Locker use) ,half of wage gone. Unclean conditions.
Next to no one there at show. They didn't tell you about that.
Disappointing Coming out into December air in English winter. Getting bus to my council home.
Stallone gets this image correct.



Not the picture presented `young pups`, coming into 'the game' expected. Drinking and employment outside ring are scarce, very few surgeons and solicitors jobs going. So end up as doorman other thug jobs.
Fairy-tale element about the Loser finding a foggier Girl. Like many girls at time, not interested in sport's element of boyfriends story.
Until he gets in ring to fight Creed. Rocky the film, its true reflection about traffic of Boxers life.
Boxing scenes are quite an embarrassment. Training montages they are pretty good. Old movie `Square ring`, from 40`s which also accurate portrayal.
As a love story, which saw Tali Shire star, she was also Al Pacino's sister in Godfather. Italians again being imaged in Hollywood. She gives the character `Rocky` a loving gentle opportunity to reflect his maleness in way that moves away from the hardness projected in rest of the film.
As a man who does display courage, often clear in the ring scenes. Rocky Presented with an opportunity to prove himself. While another purpose creeps in, chance further remembers , resource those around him. Like Micky his trainer, Neighbours, along with friends like the Butcher.
Rocky cannot escape his surroundings nor image he holds in neighbourhood.
When Rocky tries to give advice to local 14 year old street girl , warning around drinking, more so hanging with corner street bums.
She rejects the advice telling him "to go screw himself".
Life is not like depicted in the movies...
LIFE its much harder than even Rocky Balboa projects.

I’m in the world but I still want the world.
I’m full of longing and can’t move,
enthralled in the garden. Having died 
all the way back to the root, I grow again 
into a version of the thing I love. 


Dec 1, 2022

Feeling nostalgic that me this morning


Got up this morning, looked at film made on System about Malta.
Drifted in my mind back to the place where I am at Home.

Listened to Seals and Croft...

Life so they say it's a game

And we let it slip away.

Missed someone, wiped a tear away.

Then went out..thought occurred, `What kinda fool are we Humans` where emotions concerned`.

Watched NEWS had similar thoughts.

Racist..Abuse.. Fulani says she was ‘denied’ her nationality during encounter with Lady Susan Hussey

Allegations.. Can we just agree that Lady H meant no harm, however clumsy she was

knives killing.. Independent Stop & Search Monitoring Group, Concerned about London's knife crime crisis following record 30th teen death this year.

Injustice.. volatile conversation and general unkindness.

Yeah l am Nostalgic..for kinder period.

Nov 29, 2022

oops got all of these...Broken heartiness!

Cardiac issues well isn’t simply a case of not getting enough sleep. That`s age issue for myself. Fatigue can sometimes indicate a cardiac condition. another of the symptoms of heart disease, weight gain which includes a fluid buildup in the body. Also include a loss of appetite, yeah in on that one..

My heartbeat is erratic on a regular basis, Arrhythmia is the medical name for this OLE heart beating in an irregular pattern. 

My legs swell up in funny places and one gets very lumpy around middle knee. its very odd the name for this is Edema, swollen legs,and is caused by fluid retention, the legs and feet are the most afflicted regions of the body since they are so far away from the heart.


Here one that`s confused but troubled me, calling it `Resting toe pain` that isn’t caused by tight shoes could be a sign of a dangerous disorder called aortoiliac occlusive disease.  It occurs when the iliac artery that brings blood to your legs becomes narrow or blocked by plaque. Symptoms can include pain, numbness, or cramping in the lower limbs.



Further sleep disorder is caused by a cardiac condition. As a result, insomnia should be taken seriously. along with water on the chest which is in part due to a lack of air in the lungs, breathing is difficult in this situation.

Add one that could be possible in a variety of other causes but also common in cardiac issues , becoming Forgetfulness and experiencing mild confusion. 

Worse one for me, because of pain level, is  migraine. Which does produce  pulsing , very severe throbbing pain on one side of the head, usually only one side. Migraines affect a large number of individuals nowadays, and they can be caused by a variety of circumstances.

Anyway here is a slow ramble around my major illness and some of the ways in which it affects me.

God bless.

Nov 28, 2022

Why did Jesus have issues with some parts of the Bible?


What's the best bit in the Bible...
Believing in it...
What couler should the Bible be.
Any couler as long as it's Read...
Gavin Millar KC, a barrister who specialises in freedom of speech law, responds to the Crown Prosecution Service arguing that parts of the Bible are "abusive" and "no longer appropriate in modern society":

 So why does the Bible (in western culture), begin with stories of creation, and not Job.?
Stories borrowed from other cultures.
Why did Jesus have issues with some parts of the Bible?

Christian Concern, which works in tandem with the Christian Legal Centre, issued statements about this case to the press in the past week, but there has been virtually no media coverage of it, despite its potentially far-reaching implications.
As a Christian Bible got inappropriate 'stuff', this is true' not called to follow the Bible and we cannot simply pretend otherwise ...
Jesus responds nearly every time the Bible was quoted...
"But l am telling you..."
lot of my tribe struggle with Bible still need to debate argue, construct, agree, disagree, be at odds...carry on believing. Following learning ,living and Loving.



Nov 26, 2022

Those 'without' are 'without for longer'.

 Those 'without' are 'without for longer'.

Those 'with' get more support for
making 'those without' suffer longer.

Hated being out among the shopping crowds yesterday
it felt mean, stuff was expensive ,tatty and not required.
suppose if looking for an `OLD GIT` Rambling
on in the twilight of his life.
welcome hate shopping, miss Vinyl, plus feel old.

Nov 25, 2022

I hear you...


If l am struggling with difficult conversation further don't want argument.

My go to reply is this...

"I hear you".


Saves misunderstanding..well that the theory. Others hear...'He agrees'.

Process of avoiding  a view that l am not liking is to make that this response.

"I hear you".

But again brings me to ask..Are we actively listening to what is being told to you.

Used "I hear you".  at least one time this week.

P.S. Mad in UK this Day, apparently it's big sale event. Black Friday.


Nov 24, 2022

My other Church that l have attended a lot.

 A world that l am only `presently visiting`, where the poverty of loneliness means some cannot get spiritual into LIFE, but search for the active listeners ,Then can find salvation in connection. 

On visits to London as `younger general Music buying fan` Off the tube into HMV, then went across to Virgin Megastore , followed finally unsure why ,Tower Records , to my mind appeared to hold more soul music. Not so main scene. Think it was in that order. Spent hours in those places, my Church for another day. Sad nowadays we struggle to find Music buying places to invest a wasted few hours.

If Everything Falls Apart Around You… 

…there are a couple of things you are going to want:

You are going to want someone standing beside you that you can trust.
You are going to want your family around you, and you are going to want them to have your back.
You are going to want to know that you did not do some goddamn stupid thing to bring all hell down on yourself.

If you are lacking any of those when that crisis comes, there is a high probability it will flatten you and you will not be able to get up.

It is bad to be laid low. But to be laid low, and to know that you were at fault for it—the things that you did, that you knew you did that was wrong brought you here—I think you have nothing to stand on in that situation.

And that is also the circumstances under which I think you are more likely to be abandoned by the people around you.

Nov 22, 2022

Addressing the TOXICITY of my Tribe.

 There is a guy in New Jerusalem, seen a gathering only one he not allowed to mix with. No one is. Says to St Paul.

Why the wall in the center of town,
The one built so high cannot see over it, everyone pretends its not there.
Heard some voices, bit like that scene in `WATERSHIP DOWN` where fat Rabbits read poetry ,but also preventing the `Rabbits on a mission` getting to another place.
Who are these people on the other side of the Wall, sat in Group, backs to the Wall, talking in Depth.
Oh them its the `Nomad Deconstructionists`. They like to be separate, contemplative but inactive , pretty selfcentred.
St Paul laughs, They Would go Nuts, if they found out Kingdom Frontier people like you had got in,
As on earth we keep Precious souls apart, in own little world.


“There’s something about the way that masculinity hegemonically is constructed right now that boys feel like they have to distance themselves from their more tender, more vulnerable emotions as a way of belonging to their social group.” Quote from Nomad podcast speaker called Hillary McBride.

HEGEMONICALLY , not even sure it is a word, bit like woman power, 
Its one of those concepts, like a Fashion.
It relates to process within my Tribe,(Gatherings of followers of Jesus.) Also known as Church.
Nomad Sojourners make a Claim that Church leaders made up of TOXIC , which presents as strong, powerful. Which results in, well therefore Church leaders able to control others.
But l feel got to be pretty weak to allow this, not saying that it not evident.
But asking how widespread does TOXICITY relates or Manifest, or is even, as an idea  present in Churches. How many are like this? 
Deconstructionists provide little evidence to support presentation.
Another claim is that nower days a different `hegemonic spiritual power` has sought to force its will on the mainstream Church.
They talk about what toxicity presenters inherited, Often relates to a minor conversation. 
This mainly `white, middle class, educated ? WOKE, vegan gathering` have experienced.
Appears to be little work related experience from the traffic of life
 Pub ,collage,University ,Church when with parents. Hear nothing about Mission field.
Not going hear about factory floor, apprenticeships, hard graft, or sporting venues.
When did Mission ,serving others, gathering to debate,discuss, argue,` fallout, fall in `
go out of fashion.?
Why did l not get the memo?
Zoom and social media is not a good substitute for gathering.
To fail in a conversation is not to fail at all.

These deconstructionists never appear to give in, Monthly and together they meet to promote despair,talking about defeat, books they have read, often cite Vegan food, brand of clothing, higher educational gathering.

Never speak about serving others, issues of poverty injustice, concerns of inner cities, prophets words and Biblical information seldom is evident. 

One thing l find hard to really forgive is some of them wear baseball hats at mealtimes, that just takes the Chocolate digestive.

Zoom and social media is not a good substitute for gathering. But perhaps is where they feel safe away from a world that brings Challenger and intercourse with some who may not agree with you.

Nov 21, 2022

One thing I've found, Only thing I've ever found

 Sailboats sailin' a crystal sea

Gypsy dolphins runnin' free
Seagulls circling endlessly
Callin' me home
Mocking bird, butterfly
Sunset colors, ah, they're filling the sky
Newborn baby starts to cry
Callin' me home

I've been most everywhere

A man can go
I've been this whole world round
Yes, I have
And I've seen most everything
A man can see
One thing I've found
Only thing I've ever found


When I was lost and all alone
I took a look on what I'd done
You know, the only love I've ever known
Was callin' me, callin' me, callin' me
I heard Him callin' me home
I'm going home, going home
I'm going home, I'm going home

Nov 20, 2022

I hear you calling me,Calling me home

Oh where gonna make some
Rock-'n'-roll this winter
Now my teenage heart as said hello to you


Not sure what it is..but when
l am at a seaside place,
get urge for all kinds of 70's music.

But this visit, the winds blew.
The chill factor was evident.
I felt old,pulled my collar up
withdrew into Cafe, there was a shocker waiting

 Cheapest cuppa was £3_60. Suddenly felt very old.
My life has included many moments walking cliffs,
 heading to supper bar. Loving the waves. Knowing ships are in Harbour. Little ones are safe.

 Foxes are on the Prowl. Not shy creatures.

Bold plenty more then previous.

Time has flown Autumn arrived.
The storms plus waves of November now come crashing.
Love of God still visible. Bag of chips still warms one.

 Echos in the closed sea battered empty fairground. Soul singer
laments for summers lost love.
" I hear you calling me,Calling me home"




 

Nov 19, 2022

Wizzard's early rock & roll tribute Introducing Eddy & the Falcons

 

Saddens me that Roy wood somehow never gets the credit for mega talent he has displayed.

Always introducing Kids to old stuff and they introduce me to their music. Wizard pure joy to share.

Nov 17, 2022

Latest toxicity from my tribe...

Apparently male toxicity been issue in Church and has damaged members.

But toxicity of mocking those not appearing as `Woke`, as you have become.

Well that's same issue.

Plus the narrative around Luke's Birth of Jesus is not true.

There was no Roman world wide census.

There was clear need for working males to travel to the place of birth.

But cultural, logical 'Mary' .Being so far into pregnancy would have stayed with family.

But does that change my understanding around the Story.

How should that affect our belief insider stuff?

Nov 16, 2022

Who supports the Faith community.

Can the Faith community keep engaging with huge issues? when the safety net is torn,damaged and needs strengthen from some other source.!

It is well documented that food banks, Charity, low-cost shopping, is where people gathered to survive.

Compassion, kindness, grace all in short supply.

Cash resources and gifts are also pretty short supply. People tell me they feel so exasperated.

Understand this, more so also witness the burden has increased.

We can not do the required task.

Nor fulfill Systems that rich Government

Should be providing.

It part of spiritual

Journey to challenge

Lack of provision . 


Important to questions Government Failings.

Must do more than'Watch the Gap'.

Nov 15, 2022

want YP to experience the `traffic of life`

If you close your eyes

and take a deep breath,

you can hear the small birds sing in early morning.

The grey sky's have been same couler for three days above us.

Unsure if l could do young again,plus!

There are no turkeys planned for this Christmas.

Shops are suggesting ham and Pork joints.

Cheaper.

God, hope you know its a difficult period.







This is concerning myself.

There seems to be a keen desire on the part of elite environmentalists to use young people as a kind of stage army on the climate issue – a tool of emotional blackmail . To hassle world leaders into eco-austerity.

Why should you like me be bothered? Because l want YP to experience the `traffic of life`.

To snog, drink wine, stay out without parents consent, get a 8 til 19-00 hour job on apprentice wages for few years.understand how important it is to Fail at something.

Disrespect rules.Grow hair long if guy, wear make up if a girl.

When growing up and young, discuss,debate, argue in Church or another gathering.

Take part in sport be part of a team. Further hold a piece of vinyl in hand ,smell that Vinyl , look at gatefold sleeve and listen to that Vinyl.

To dance, run .climb hills, fall down and cut knees.

To know that your best mate at 15 will be `someplace else while you are some place else`, a few years later.

To reject God and Find God all in the same year.

Nov 14, 2022

The `gang that gather' with has issues.

 We called ourselves Christian, then when got clever,perhaps not wiser.

Tried using 'followers of Jesus'.

Some Churches experience in,local to me sadly not presently confident nor able to recommend that others meet up at that home.

There is further another concern. Don't do Zoom meetings. But local gatherings feel toxic.

Plus not welcoming of heretical behaviour that some `like me` display.

My Gospel is a 

Tabloid Gospel.

It's found in rock music

Stories from newspapers.

We dance, argue, express doubts,question, discussion, conversation, like `preach ` to be short, often interrupted. Noisy, more often involves food.

Best part Tabloid Gospel is messy, fun, has desire to be inclusive.

Don't care too much for 'end times escapology', not interested in whose heading for hell.

Scruffy relevant, Match of the day chorus singing, Tend to sing Folk song.

Hate worship music. Eat hamburgers drink Alcohol occasionally.

Tabloid Gospel with frontier folk.

That where l wanna be.

Nov 13, 2022

Miss hearing the song...You are everything and everything is You.

Even now, I wonder where you are tonite.


 I don't have a great problem being ill nor shorter life is expectancy.

It's not being unfit,able to run, needing tablet's, Even the pain bearable. 

But missing out on seeing more of you.

Gonna miss the music, wondering have l snogged enough, held hands as often as should. Starred into another eyes.

Snuggles on the couch. Cooking someone's favourite meal.

Walking by a lake on Boxing day, stopping to sup on mug of hot Bovril.

Laughing as sit on promenade bench to try get sand out from toes.

Listening again to Diane Ross singing...."ooohh You are everything

And everything is You"...

Long conversation looking acros to you as try to explain . . . well anything.

Even now, wonder where you are tonite.

Nov 12, 2022


Struggling to combine a 'God of Wrath'.

With 'God is love' narrative.

It's probably the most difficult issue when sharing Christianity,therefore my faith following.

It's like most common reasons for many choosing not to follow God purpose.

His personality appears flawed, damaged.

Not easy topic to discuss.

So gonna read some, discuss and reflect my views.

Nov 11, 2022

in faith and questioning...

 Wrestling with questions, around Bible, Faith, Jesus, Even the traffic of life, Perhaps recognise these as doubts, l feel they are not.

But this can be a lonely, further an isolating experience, also lead person to become more detached.

Churches, Christian tribal gatherings should be places for debate,discussion arguments.

Growth and further development.

We all Live in the traffic of Life, that all about a belief in this person, practice, behaviour, guide,stuff called following Jesus.



“So if you hear something… even if it’s a little thing, you’re at the gym on the treadmill and someone makes a crack, say something.”

Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood has announced a public inquiry into the deaths of Melvin Cravitz and Adrian Daulby, who were killed during th...

MAYBE WE WON`T MEET AGAIN

. . . she got a postcard in the mail
That just said Heaven,with a picture of the ocean and the beach
The simple words he wrote her
Said he loved her
How he'd hold her if his arms would reach
Wish you were here, wish you could see this place
Wish you were near,Wish I could touch your face
The weather's nice, it's paradise
It's summertime all year and there's some folks we know
They say, "Hello, "
I miss you so, wish you were here"