I always Pack for the person I wish I were rather than who I am.

On someone that I once knew well
Is all that's left, the rest's not true
I smile, I see it's really you
The rain will go, and you will too
And I order up another glass
Not to let the moment pass
Turning around in love with you
Oh, it got too hard to do
And it's always been this way
Yes, it's always been this way

Yes, I always

Pack for the person

I wish I were rather than who I am.

Which got me thinking about this old saying attributed to ancient Jewish writings.
.A man is shown in a dream only what is suggested by his own thoughts
…We see things not as they are but as we are

–that is, we see the world not as it is,
 but as molded by the individual peculiarities of our minds.

Things that happen to us, why they happened?

How we grew up believing them?

Church which was very poor last Sunday watched ,...
 (Well made to watch)...all very LAZY service planning..
Anyway watched a DVD about. .

-; woman who had died..(She claimed) but the story was pretty troubling..
as the Jesus she saw was Blond ,wore sandals had crystal white face, 
and white clean robe with blue sash..but also what he said..
to avoid eternity in flames you have to go back
 forgive certain amount of people, include the woman step mum,
 who had killed your mum...hour later she woke up on  the mortuary table..
.l was perplexed you see..
.We see things not as they are but as we are...
came to mind, like the stuff packed for holiday it ...
how we imagine we look, not how we actually are...

Bit like the lighthouse top of our street which

 does no service anymore

Just used for weekend breaks for the well to do, 

and occasional expensive cuppa and cake mornings....

they say it got no modern use..

Everybody that lives around us

Says tear that Lighthouse down

The big ships they don't sail this way anymore

There's no use of it standing round

Then my mind goes back to that stormy night

When just in time I saw the light

Yes, the light from that old lighthouse

That stands there on the hill

And I thank God for the Lighthouse

I owe my life to Him

For Jesus is the Lighthouse

And from the rocks of sin

He has shown a light around me

That I could clearly see

If it wasn't for the Lighthouse

(tell me)

Where would this ship be

We fail often to see person value, 
or their past especially these days,

 as relevant useful or helpful,
 `becoming ill` taught me a great deal....

How to measure my worth to others,
 the toughest lesson.

Actively listen.

SOUND OUT YOUR DOUBTS WITH EVANGELICAL  FAVOUR,

ENGAGE IN CONVERSATIONS WITH THOSE WHO QUESTION . 

LISTEN MORE TO THOSE WHO HAVE NO FAITH.

THEN,ONLY THEN ENGAGE

SHARE YOUR BELIEFS. 

spiritofthestreets 1958

ISCHAEMIC CONDITION

So this moment ,clarify what my health is like,
sat down reading ,also away from home.
Heart feels slow and want to sleep.
Yet know rested enough . . .Heart just wants me further rest.

Have no way explaining this predicament.
lt gets like this,     slower ,      then rest may sleep for most of the day.
Can never explain to my doctors how this affects everyday minisa.
Following my heart by pass...tried to work and was doing OK.
Know as get older get grumpy.
Someone knocking on door
even though needed to sleep
have this condition you see....
Just drift away...then,
get suddenly woken up
Here we go...
surrounded by people some who are professional.
limited in understating around
culture and further
communication.

Moving again 
yes that right
moving again
5 address in 18 months too much.
Stress in itself, no word or luck on job front.
Unanswered prayer oh forgot supposed to be grateful for that as well.

Urban prophecy

Love God

Love other`s

Love your neighbour as your self

Follow Jesus.

That it folks the whole religious shebang
 in one small simple paragraph

When draw a line where Jesus is with us,

alongside our prejudice 

Then when look over ,

Jesus often stood opposite looking back towards us.

FREEDOM

Some people get through life few issues.
This journey l been on,
appears to throw up stuff all the time.
Quite bit of it want to hide from don`t want to face.

Want something better then this at present.

last evening had the oddest thought,
put it out of mind`.. what  if  just took off in my car...` kinda like where could l go to just get away`.

Tories ditch 'ineffective' three-year benefit sanctions, Punishment, criticised for being pointlessly cruel, doesn’t work, admits Amber Rudd. Well many told Politician's how to behave but they are hard hearted to others views. Becoming invisible due to ill health, and unemployment, been sanctioned for nearly year .It hard at times far too hard, understand that. Really do wonder when, even if, things will change.

breathe 3

Take a deep breath, loosen the knots around your heart, breathe out. Another deep breath. Breathe. Who triple knotted this .... thing Who wrapped these fears around this heart of yours It’s okay. Another breath. Let’s go.

that NOT entertainment

Was in ANCHOR housing project HULL yesterday morning here the full quote . ””Emmerdale tonight the rape scene going to be, Brilliant Brilliant"" ...

Person ,female employed as a carer.

 This really why feel so out of place, like you also. At odds such society reflecting this as normal, acceptable, behaviour,yet they will be offended,

if suggest not comfortable, nor acceptable, air this statement,
This `Dog`behaviour ,forms process,ending day settling down with family.

• Not entertainment
• Neither issue want to view on TV
• Can not challenge as other paid professional said nothing
• Not one off either

Youth and community work ,placed something alongside my faith that on human level wants to speak into such situations.

But while striving to explore individuals impact, along with how group forms and normalises.

Endeavour ,plus striving ,to make sense of belonging , which evolves,
then here community is formed.

But not here . . .witnessing this behaviour,hearing this discussion genuinely feel deflated,

know that when mute your feelings towards such serious issue.
What going to shake a person out of their life.
when lived by agenda set by TV in corner of room.

Spoiling any sense of values and true concern for others.

Rape, Killing,stealing,these entertain as the person digest microwave meal and supp Belgium larger.

oops,

As progressed in last ten years of youth work stuck very much to 11 - 19 age range.
Also was working always to empower using participatory approaches.
My area moved from `Benefice to large synod Area taking in whole north east coast, to lakes bordering county . Through latterly several highland county even Islands on Scottish coast...

The travel was difficult and acquired 12 points on my license . . .oops . . . Sorry ,your honour.
But what great times, the wage was middle earning. Pretty expensive being away from home.
But felt valued, out on a limb happy fulfilled returning to colliery town on coast and visible poverty most second weekends.
But my `health` getting worse, further `heart failure` painful weird strange, business.

LA MER ....THAT A SONG

Always felt better by La mer

Maybe it simply my routes

Or something deeper internal.

To find another or a community that

also feels for this.

I don`t know what it really

comes from,it just there. . . 

SERIOUSLY

Rising knife crime linked to cuts in council funding for youth services.

The average council had reduced spending on youth services - which funds things such as youth clubs and youth workers - by 40% between the years 2014-15 and 2017-18.

most miserable

 This has been the Coldest,

 May bank holiday on record.

  Also been the

 most miserable

THIS HERE......THIS ME

me with Liam along with William ,
Lacy, Molly,Joe Harry
people love wasting time among

The vocation was part of my total DNA.

My calling,

this thing simply is me.

My Nature, my purpose,

who l am.

Nothing less.

Clear system error

In my conversation with Church leaders 

Too many leaders appear from privilege background,
Hold unchecked oppressive attitudes ,rise up in discussion on disabiltie, class
Urban thinking, very often ignorant around issues faced by the local congregation,
Sadly further those living nearby hold.

Issue of poverty is felt tobe handed down by God.

Lack of humble,mercy, righteous understanding is painful to observe

ALWAYS

Always crossing cultures,

 on this faith journey.

Talking About Jesus in ways relevant to how people lived the Narrative.

Wrestle with issues.

Never afraid to Question authenticity of Bible.

Faith, Hope companions as we journey.

Love may be absent!

Always crossing cultures, on this faith journey.

My family ,friends  visited often and the house near the sea was pretty remote, but like London, we was never short of people coming staying sharing meals. The work progressed. Despite, the very visible poverty, depression, lack of hope, rundown image, working among such beautiful, very human, real, lovable people.

Whenever finished the day.l would walk, listen, to the sound of the beach making these North sea noises, calling to us all.

As youth group our locality was key to some of our programme.

Learning lot about rural isolation, harshness,  lack of social mobility.

All linked to other issues some newish` but had encountered `emotional literacy` this being word banned around over this period.

Active listening was taking place, Like London lot of schools work, privilege to be involved in such chance to deliver lessons and assemblies.

DJ took new better route also

For over decade was working with groups some events took place regionally and nationally.

Always crossing cultures, on this faith journey.

If we could;-

·        resource all youth projects

·        Place them in community setting

·        Access range of ages

·        Have equal staff skill base

Then lot of projects would survive. But this is seldom the case.

Northern post that was to last for 8 years.

 The position came around very quickly and it was "completely start a project with no previous youth work. A blank sheet."

Its was across series of Churches, but based in old night clud style provision.
strong political, socialist traits.(Like my first youth work post).
was Apprehensive for these reasons.
Nic, Cyril, and David all good guys here l was at home. Keith became practically very supportive
`Christine and Bill` married couple very quickly showed me such support, and even today enter there names next to title gave them in 2007 `encourages`.

All around, in this blighted area where such beautiful lovely people, despite the harshness and the very visible poverty.

Poverty that issue it been like a `friend all my life`. Evident most of my practice. Despite limited efforts poverty not been something addressed. Indeed it got worse, till in  2019 much more evident  than when myself recognised as professional issue in 1985.

Bagshot Polska had little knowledge nor understanding around youth work.

Finished some work down London way, There was in the the third sector money for youth work.
But the sources for this money were ethically questionable.
The Bagshot Polska was such an example . . .apparently the money paying the project was from some dodgy contract that was beginning to charge the Irish for `changing the water rates` onto a capital style payment . . .somehow profits funded the project...
Management style of the Bagshot Polska had got the guy into lot of  issues.Temper came up when we queried further.

Sadly overlooked by OASIS, who allowed him to line manage worker on placement
`tantrum tears`, as MAW, the OASIS student was known , had weakness exploited by Bagshot Polska.

Asking me to` remove` youth worker who had not curried favour with him, 
fell on silent ears.
Supported the lady and encouraged the work she commendable was doing.
Stood up against the idea that you could do `detached work` in school environment
Again was seen as unhelpful.
Fortunate for myself others valued and recognised the efforts l was making.
Bagshot Polska had little knowledge nor understanding around youth work.
True that it showed but always found the bracen oppressive style unhelpful.
Relived when year later l was to move into a Northern post that was to last for 8 years.

don`t want any of these thank you all

Funeral Music Chart 2019 (Position compared to 2016)

1. My Way - Frank Sinatra (Non-mover)
2. Time To Say Goodbye - Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman (Non-mover)
3. Over The Rainbow - Eva Cassidy (Non-mover)
4. Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler (Non-mover)
5. Angels - Robbie Williams (Re-entry)
6. Supermarket Flowers - Ed Sheeran (New entry)
7. Unforgettable - Nat King Cole (Up 3 places)
8. You Raise Me Up - Westlife (New entry)
9. We’ll Meet Again - Vera Lynn (Down 3 places)
10. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Eric Idle (Down 2 places)        

Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know

A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved

 took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill

I threw the day old tea from the cup

Packed up the photo album Matthew had made

Memories of a life that's been loved

Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals

Poured the old ginger beer down the sink

Dad always told me, "don't you cry when you're down"

But mum, there's a tear every time that I blink

So I'll sing Hallelujah

You were an angel in the shape of my mum

When I fell down you'd be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go

And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah

You're home

But me l say life it an unfriendly game.

Life they say is a game

we all must play our part.

But me l say life

it an unfriendly game

no it ain't two hand touch, it's rough tackle

'Cause no matter the weather, the game don't stop. Competing with other teams, that reign on top
Understand what I'm saying'? It's just an Unfriendly Game

But me l say life

it,

A unfriendly game.

2004- 2006 reconstructing period for myself

2004- 2006 Reconstructing period for myself.
Social mobility and the internet allowed us excitably to communicate in very different ways.

• Facebook
• blogs
• emails
• messenger
• active searches
• information at hand
• down loads
• documents could be read differently

Personally went back worked part time on a project Wednesday, Thursday, Fridays.

moved to live in a flat in hometown for next few years

But travelled a lot securing work with Rroma party in Exile...yes that is R r capital R being Romaine roma being ethnic grouping.

so lot of times during the month l was abroad in Europe, travelling Romanian, Czech, and Eire.

Planes Boats and odd train journey.

With occasional long car journey across England and even fewer in Europe.

How?

Reminded me of time when l was young in my faith....Boxed...Church life...DJ` in clubs.

Busy

Happy

Hard

Getting by money ways growing hard to define my role 

It was not straight forward Youth worker..perhaps more community worker role.

The youth work did was mainly in music scene, not issue based, nor group work.

Four hours most Wednesday and Fridays, l was mixing music,karaoke,
Videos and odd singer or group as hundreds Kidz gathered for leisurely pursuit.

It was badly and poorly managed.

But was keen not to have too much say or responsibility.

In Roma work l had lot more sole direction.

this was always throwing up unexpected challenges.