Still here in long Now.

Still waiting. But little signs happened.

Bloods. Cup of coffee. Conversations, prayers..

Quietness ..boredom. Anger.

Worn out tiredness enveloped myself.

Me..I'm still waiting. Waiting in this long now among vulnerable, poorly, geography who are economical challenged. 

Waiting.

Been recently Only few Diamonds days for me and few others.

I wait.

Used to wait. My turn to take a seat...Wait. like used to wait for her, simply to see her enter the room.

Like used to wait for release of a piece of music by artist expectantly wanted to hear.

Like waiting to get the cane at school.

Except this wait is in deep prayer, hoping my son will undergo surgery and survive.

So in powerlessness...I wait.

 

That's LIFE, you get tossed around.

SOME DAYS ARE DIAMONDS...

SOME DAYS ARE DUST...

 Your life is not a boring stretch of highway. It's a straight line to heaven. And just look at the fields ripening along the way. Look at the tenacity and endurance. Look at the grains of righteousness. You'll have quite a crop at harvest . . . so don't give up!”

― Joni Eareckson Tada, Holiness in Hidden Places

Some days just long struggle, even when got no time little that got is wasted, couldn't connect with Email provider. Neither could sort out someone else money, moved stuff round home TOOK me a few days. 

Ordered some stuff, went to collect, wrong item then wont get money back for 5 days.

Again not going the way l wish, nor the way want it to be.

Anyway my bag recently.That's LIFE, you get tossed around, feel wasted time, so Kevin finds place, then l walk. Reflect internally. Often keep the Sea on the right side. When walked enough.... head home, Often keeping the Sea on left side.

The final four days of the January transfer window have arrived and clubs all over the country will be working hard to bring in the new additions they hope will give them the final push in the second half of the season.

Don't give up on them '.

Don't know why but there appears a huge gap between, service managers.

Those delivering the service.

Further those experienced these services.

Clear in NHS...obvious in Youth Community work ..Less Housing with measure around influence.

Church huge issue with those in National Church where issue with intellect and communication.

Advanced issue in Political establishment. Absence of natural leadership.

Unwilling to listen.

System and structures are unable to be flexible to service users.

Lack of promotion from coal face.

Individual are marginalized, left out

Not connected, further isolated.

Some Die become more ill, homes deteriorate, economic well being worsens.  

Drift into a difficult place in mind, plus bodies.   

'We can't get a line on them', So we struggle or give up on them '.

Heard it gets better.......

TV broke..Chilly, not enough hours in each day. Emotional bit drained.

LIFE bit challenging....Sing Hallujah anyway..Yes gonna sing Hallujah.

It will get better.

Saturday in UK should be marking Holocaust Memorial Day,

On Saturday in UK should be marking Holocaust Memorial Day,
where we  remember the 6 million Jewish people, disabled people,  Roma and those whose sexual preference was not approved by Fascists, we must still sit ,reflect, mourn and remember everyone murdered by the Nazis. 

As member of the Christian Faith community, will carry on working to help defeat antisemitism and all forms of hatred, 
Further the genocide that still carry's on these days.

Again in a week feel trapped, stuck. But . .only a feeling

Appears to me the day so long.

Issues are full of depth.

Social and listening skills been tested.

Again 'merry go round' of Emotions gets churned. Someone close is hurting 

Other issues that am dealing with rise into the day.

Others housing needs, codes. Keys. Moving. Repairs. Others agendas bring me thankfully to degree of normality.

Grateful for conversations, efforts, As witness movement with Housing influence concerns.

Dealing with troublesome resident whose impacting others. Long process recording issues. Forwarding emails. 

LIFE

Views Of Nature call, seek the Lord. Breathe better, try to cope. 

Again in a week feel trapped in, stuck here. But that's only a feeling.

Precious......still precious

 

"Cant get a line on you..."

We called Ambulance refused to go, smell is awful, bitterness is evident.

Blood, waste everywhere. Yet we are the enemy.

The reason we've called for God, is only option to 'shine a light' is because.

"Cant get a line on you".

This is me, tired. Run down. Sad. Fed up. Angry, even.  Don't blame me, I don't blame you one bit. Can not grasp the deep fear he feels in mind and bones.

l told a lie...`joyfully dancing on my faith journey`...not really a joyful person at all.

 One of my most consistent prayers is this...

l want to be a better example of someone who follows Jesus.

That`s what l want to manifest if examined closely. I know what many of you are thinking...who knows what miracles he could pull off.

we all should offer our pledge
to stand with you Lord God
attempt to serve you;
Never to deny you.
Remind us daily,
that you hold us in your love,
and will never deny us.

Just a few words from a prayer slightly altered today.

LOVE THIS QUOTE 

perhaps its from the misunderstood.

Inspiring gone far too soon.

please make the effort to either listen this is via... Normand podcast... 

Or really treat yourself to reading perhaps Inspired..one of her books on theology and growing in the faith.

Not happy with the word Deconstruction.

Found that always struggling, wrestling, growing, shaking a fist, joyfully dancing on my faith journey...

l told a lie...not really a joyful person.

In fact don't dance either but happy.

Progressive Christianity, described by its adherents, characterized by willingness to question tradition, acceptance of human diversity, Prophetic, old testament, further `sermon on the mount`  emphasis on social justice, committed to care for the poor, plus oppressed, Undramatic environmental stewardship of the earth along with many resources.

`Shine a light on you, and me further all we love`.

 So how would you describe  where you are in relationship with God today?

Awaiting , trying not to intrude as offered deepest prayers.

When recently have l felt close to God.?

In hospital aware of presence among clinically tested plus those delivering service.

When in present have l felt detached?

Walking away from situation that have no control over.

The situation in the middle east.

Sometimes l am ,or appear uninterested, partly due to fact l am a reflective practioner. Think about all the stuff.

If  given the chance to drink and eat with others, Share fellowship, community. Or go for a walk alone along sandy beach.

I choose the long walk alone, happy, content with own space. Aware others are equally joyful.

but happy in that solitude.

Angels beating all their wings in time

With smiles on their faces and a gleam right in their eyes

Whoa, thought I heard one sigh for you

Come on up now, come on up now, come on up now

May the good Lord shine a light on you

Yeah, make every song you sing your favourite tune

May the good Lord shine a light on you, yeah

Warm like the evening sun

Now, now, now, yeah

Come on up now, come on up now

Troubled soul making wrong decision

The North coast of Yorkshire holds many childhood memories, sandcastles, long sunny days walking. Chatting with friends, Camping paddling plus rock Pools, cold swim in North sea, eating ice creams chewing on Whelks ...lot of Chewing...  donkey rides. Then onto the amusement arcades, 2p horse races, burger at cheap café. 

Later finishing day with some meal on the seafront caravan park.

BUT so often with youth group, friends most often with my son. From Child to adult. Memories at present so painful.

Please join us in pray, really he is Dieing. Matthew David my only son, already discharged himself from hospital. They need to...Amputate his leg to save his life, he won't let them....IF HE DOESN'T RETURN SOON...It's over. 

Join us in prayers Please.

Who knows where the time goes...Or how long is left here in this odd place called the present.

 The journey way back then, This was the starting point before had a car.
Where on earth did the time go.
Don't recall defiantly not recently, being so uncertain about the next step in my journey.

 Across the evening sky All the birds are leaving
But how can they know
It's time for them to go?
Before the winter fire . . I have no thought of time
Sad, deserted shore Your fickle friends are leaving
Ah, but then you know
It's time for them to go
And I am not alone
I know it will be so
Until it's time to go
So come the storms of winter
And then the birds in spring again.

Someone in pain is effecting my decision tried to send a Ambulance yesterday but Matty my son refused to allow .He is in Fear, so much of my recent life been enabling him to cope with this painful illness. All it appears to no purpose.

Last week he was sat in a hospital canteen.

Today he refusing any support. Also become a victim of  Administration.

NHS worse efforts. But also witnessing best efforts.

I am not the vital cog here. But feel pretty useless.

Powerless.

Muted dull emotionally. Perhaps cloudy tears fall. 

Who knows where the time goes...Or how long is left here in this odd place called the present.

Meanwhile in British education failing system..

Hull City's injury list has received another addition since Tuesday night's 2-1 defeat at Birmingham City in the cup replay with the Tigers facing a crisis of absentees.
James Furlong is the latest to fall victim to the curse having damaged his medial knee ligaments at St Andrew's in what was his first appearance of the season, following his arrival from Brighton and Hove Albion on deadline day in the summer.

Here we go stupid, l know, but find myself asking why is a player whose injured being signed by Hull City.

School in London has the following...

Aim “to create & enforce a clear & rigorous expectation on all schools to promote the fundamental British values of democracy, the rule of law, individual liberty & mutual respect & tolerance of those with different faiths and beliefs”.

I believe this country was more peaceful, in a time when we argued, debated, walked away, explored , had Youth provision, chat shops, detached workers, community halls.

Strong unions, University's with appropriate degrees,

Time when we worked hard to achieve community cohesion, when we were saying the Lord's prayer and singing hymns in school morning assembly.

people of another political religious teaching are committed to abusivlu promoting their objectives. They are supported by Middle class elite who liberal views are really oppressive practice being worked out.

Conditioned by loud music . .. Being with people.

LIFE moves pretty fast.

We'll all be back in the fields of dreams before we know it.

Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. 

So have to ask myself do l really want these things to take place. Also for whose purpose and enjoyment? 

What are the reasons am keen for these events to take place?

How is this contact between myself and all the heavenly hosts taking place ? Do we even anymore recognise that this kind of divinity is happening ?

Prayer like most communication is pretty simple. Its just you expressing what is on your heart, plus what's in your mind. Its a talking session.

People are conditioned to believe it takes a type of intellect, specific ability to use correct words.People hesitate because they frightened to stumble.

You don't need books or examples, another of those situations in LIFE, where you have to be yourself. That's start plus finishing, point as well. Be yourself.

Just communicate,further practice.

What are you going through?
I’m missing you!
Tell me why the road turns?

Like many areas of communication `honesty` is required. Plus faith to open up to others. Brave steps but also relevant in prayer, as also in other areas of communication skills. Need at times silence, reflection, and quietness.

Something l am not good at, struggle to do silence and be silent. Like talking, like being active, conditioned by loud music, Films and Music. Being with people.

But need also those quieter moments.

Skill is to attempt often, that's the discipline.

Still the Same.

Love Wins... Still best way. Not easy but Still Love wins. Best way, tolerance, conversation.

Displayed on a cross, reconciliation. Best way, Still. Mornings feels like a lifetime away as intercessors work on their knees. Still.

Rain brought seasons high tides and waves crashed over the building on harbour side. Still .

Heart that's heavy carefully tries to construct words to heavenly host. Still.

Another far away in own torment, searches mind for understanding. Still.

Nurses. Consultants. Adult services. Social work teams. Authority figures.

DWP. Support zones, and local political service.

Work 9-30 until 16-00. Some have Wednesday, as market day off, Some finish Thursday for the week.

Closed weekends, have long holidays.

Still.

You need to remember Cannot see Others journey.

 Got news at 5 this morning, bitter minus 0-3. Ice chilly. 

He wants to go home to die 

My son in living fear. Only way Mathew will survive is if they allowed amputation of his leg from knee down.

'May there be some beautiful surprise

Waiting for you inside death

Something you never knew or felt,

Which with one simple touch

Absolves you of all loneliness and loss.

Unable to assist with support or direct empathy. I cried. But he wants to be left alone. Clear ` Go away`. How do you compere own Cardiac issues with someone experiencing own deep loss. Feelings appear not to have any reason to be shared. All l can offer is being uncomfortable, remaining silent.

That not required as Matthew displays further resilience.

Asking myself.

Does this guy who sometimes gets it wrong, sometimes say wrong thing, often displayed incorrect behaviour ?

Do l have a role or purpose?

Am I intruding even though discussion at Nurses station clear he is making wrong decision.

Amputation is the loss or removal of a body part such as a finger, toe, hand, foot, arm or leg. It can be a life changing experience affecting your ability to move, work, interact with others and maintain your independence. Continuing pain, phantom limb phenomena and emotional trauma can complicate recovery

When you see a person’s behaviour you cannot see their journey. You cannot see their upstream.

Sometimes.

They say you’re available on certain conditions. 

Quiet ones.
That if I can find an air of tranquility
It carries that still small voice.
But I don’t do quiet, stillness. . . .
So, what’s the chance of a still big voice in the noise . . . .
I know that time you weren’t in the fire, the storm. 
But everyone’s different. . . .
You’re usually quiet. I’m usually wired.
If I try for your silence,

Rough and Chilly, not my feelings.

The day began unlike yesterday.

Warm pleasent not too cold.

Today struggles mixed up.

Not always capable of understanding process that others are experiencing.

 

high tides, rough seas, chilly breezes.

Conversations, active listening, different settings. Harsh experiences others going through.
Other issues in this world are removed feel distant further detached.

 

We’re all shaped by our family – the one we arrive into and the one we’re looking for. 
That feels to myself like the essence of youth work practice.
.

We are privileged.

Sat privileged too listen.

Just that.

To a lady who won't be going home from Hospital, till her Husband's leaves this world.

Privileged through tears Male spoke about lack of quality of LIFE. Prepares for amputation.

Privileged Jenny in a wheel chair talked about medic need to be pain free.

Privileged someone spoke about Oxygen machines maintenance.

Privileged God willing that can listen. 

Privileged you read these ramblings.

Chosen journey worth taken

Today in three words.

Relief

Hope

Weird-Dream

......... literate that's 4 but not really.

I chose when younger To be non conformist.

Chosen, attempt being Idealistic.

Committed, to following Jesus.

My journey continues.

Sometimes pull up, get berthed, or retreat. But like you my journey In tough environment goes forward.

Have l conformed,yes guess so. It indeed not so realistic sometimes Ideals got lost? Being honest. 

Just Bump along at times.

Always committed to ,values that survived apparent the  disaster ,took place 'on a green hill faraway. Long time ago.'

More than values, something worth dieing for, more worth Living for. LIFE. 

Worth Living for, choice worth making, journey worth taking.

My son in Hospital, grateful for all NHS Staff looking after him, skilled chosen values of making people well.

Awareness is a great enabler

It appears that some kind of Justice is being provided to those conned by Post office UK .

Like many times the Rich ignore those ethically charged to care for.

Slow train been coming. But getting here. My son eventually back in Hospital.

We had our walking therapy. It difficult l am not anywhere as patient as  should be.

Am reluctant at times to listen deeply.

Perhaps simple twist away from this environment will enable some peace.

My 'problematic behaviour' is due to my 'Problematic experiences'. at present.

Awareness is a great enabler.

Need to breathe,need to walk differently. Bit unhappy.

Level 3 out of 5 honesty taking place.

Open, frustrating, uncomfortable.

What does it mean to be a Christian artist?

It is what you make of it, 

Situation desperate, echoes of the victims cry

Before the terror attacks which lead to this advancement in conflict. About 80% of Gaza’s population relied on  aid. A large number were food insecure , 

Some of the actual decedents of families, community's where Jesus `saviour of the world`, actually walked. These Christian and others are food insecure.

In a place where spices, olive trees, lemon and Orange groves, are plentiful. They do not have confidence where supplies will come from.

Getting by on less than basic provision. Hence it hasn’t taken long for the situation to deteriorate further. Once 150-180 truckloads of food aid used to enter Gaza every day, now it’s more like 30.

Nothing left to recognize, no life, nothing at all. Nothing but memories.

l do know Christians who never backed Palestinian rights because of the “terrorist” stigma. So why are we allowing Christian community's to be starved, bombed, killed and live such poor quality of LIFE.

WHY ARE WE SO RELUCTANT TO ENGAGE WITH WIDER ISSUES AFFECTING OTHERS.

I want to raise every voice, at least I've got to try
Every time I think about it water rises to my eyes
Situation desperate, echoes of the victims cry
If I had a rocket launcher, some son of a bitch would die

Again in a modern Psalm l wrestle, like another with issue of, protest V violence V my own ignorance. I am removed, apart, detached, live much slower.

But still wrestle, pray, get angry, upset, confused. Struggle.

Talking about bitterness, plus winds!

 Idiot wind
Blowing every time you move your mouth
Blowing down the back roads headin' south
Idiot wind
Blowing every time you move your teeth.

This songs appeared lot on podcast listen too at present.  Old song first heard in 85 If recall correctly.

unsure why its reappeared but also been listening too music as nothing of value on TV.

It's bitter, twisted hurtful narrative about relationships ending.

Honesty that's brilliantly planted into story of Love failure. Divorce coming.

Today is day most people recognise Marriage not going to work.

First working day of a new year. suppose if your relationships failing

then not arriving `over night`, but been happening for a while.

People see me all the time
And they just can't remember how to act
Their minds are filled with big ideas
Images and distorted facts
Even you, yesterday
You had to ask me where it was at
I couldn't believe after all these years
You didn't know me better than that.

Says a lot about relationship.

when ONE, can not appear to know the other

in that place.

Odd.

But reading latest Inspector Montalbano...

`The Sicilian Way'. Loving it.. That further about endings, love failing.

Sometimes you got to do what the Bee Gee, did ask yourself about LOVE SO RIGHT.

There's a lone soldier on the cross
Smoke pourin' out of a boxcar door
You didn't know it, you didn't think it could be done
In the final end he won the wars
After losing' every battle.

This verse somehow to myself is about the LOVE of God , Get sense that we can interpret lyrics in our own mind that may not be how lyrics are meant, but will stick with failing LOVE plus failing scenario.

As a matter of fact the wheels have stopped
What's good is bad, what's bad is good
You'll find out when you reach the top
You're on the bottom...

Talking about bitterness, plus winds...its is freezing here at present expecting lot more colder days.

As with many Dylan songs, but maybe other artist l blog about. Appears a contrast between the spiritual, Biblical, and the profane. But it is Kevin not always sure which imagery is more clearer to yourself.

Hey why not leave a comment or email your ideas. kevin_wllr@yahoo.co.uk

Stuck in a month can't yet get out of

 

Well that's how it appears.
Long...long...period of January.
Shops empty, pavements not busy, shelves emptier bank accounts stagent.
Funny how we wish time away.
Attack on vulnerable, still evident, lack of compassion from nursing sector in our location.
Witnessed quite a few death's last few weeks, we have a geographic poverty. You can measure this in provision offered to those in positions of powerlessness.
They are wonderful at coping, learned skills to be resilient. Steward limited resource's.
But also struggling with pain. Listened to two wheelchair warriors chatting about coping and struggles with nasty attitude of Nurses.  
Known two people over Christmas died. I am convinced more overall could, must, should have been done. 

How does poverty of resources impact quality of Life they experienced?

"Praise the Lord',  As one observers commented. Sometimes sounds Flat. Wish people wouldn't mutter such stupidity.

 

Paula Vennells the former head of the Post Office, in charge when hundreds of innocent sub-postmasters wrongfully convicted for theft, fraud, false accounting

 What concerns me is the trend obvious Faith of `Followers of Jesus`, Christianity.
Justice screamed aloud,
Mercy was required.
More humbleness needed.
Teachings of Jesus not excised.
Edward Davie + Paula Vennells, sought powerful positions.
Failed to follow Kingdom teachings.

 

Paula Vennells is the former head of the Post Office and was in charge when hundreds of innocent sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted for theft, fraud and false accounting.

In a further blow to victims, the businesswoman received a CBE for 'services to the Post Office and charity' in the 2019 New Year’s Honours List. Viewers were shocked to discover she'd been given the prestigious accolade and are now calling for the CBE to be revoked.

“I regret not doing more. I feel, to be honest with you, I was deeply misled by Post Office executives." Ed Davey responded to former sub-postmaster Alan Bates, he only wanted to know why the former minister didn’t do more when he was minister for postal affairs.

On Tv, Last 4 nights been enjoying the drama , (but not subject matter). Mr. Bates vs The Post Office, Alan Bates is played award-winning actor Toby Jones, He has become something of major star in TV world. Wonderful guy of screen. Recreates Alan's dogged, decades-long fight against the Post Office on behalf of hundreds of sub postmasters / mistresses wrongfully prosecuted . Also in odd cases wrongly jailed.

Further some took own life's none got correct support, legal advice nor treated correctly.

This issue happens but worse some from our Tribe should have, could have, must still do what our Guidelines indicate.

l was there it was not like they feel. Perhaps mind plays those tricks on each older generation.

They say it was a simpler period, a safer period, things were better we didn't have this...we didn't have the other.

we all went to Church and behaved....

Everyone had morals read more books, wasn't so much TV .

we treated all equably , were more tolerant. Could play out on the streets and not be hassled.

 

 l was there it was not like they feel. Perhaps mind plays those tricks on each older generation.

It was a simply different period. 

It was cold most mornings we went to school for the bus leaving home around 07-45, after our paper round.

We had no upstairs heating in our home, 

Wednesday it was tripe and onions for main meal, Smoked haddock on Fridays.

When school had punished us often for most trivial stuff, E.G. tie was to wide, hair was too long, Trousers were not midnite blue but black.

Sadly same or worse punishment was given by our dads who often were bullies.

After evening paper round we walked to youthie at Church walking back getting home around 21-30.

Yes we told further understood values, but we had some choices still to make.

It was not simple, nor Better, Just Different .It was a harsh life even for a youngster. we must never fall into habit making out it was great, nor that youth of today are `foolish imps` who should do better.

It was a different time a different life that's all. Its that simple.

 

 

Also a geographical poverty...is visible

Do you find that something, However strange this may seam, Takes hold of your image for the year ahead,( the week to come, even well kept plans,) Do you find something, someone, takes a paintbrush, then smears over your beautiful calculated plans.  Making those initial strokes disappear.
Dairy dates, scheduled meetings, carefully made concepts, relationships nurtured, altered. A break desperately developed. All becomes a mess.

Welcome. Its LIFE.

We drove out to the woods visited educational collage where my son had some great times.
Unsure why asked to make this journey? Rain came down far to much ,we headed back so he could relax get dry become warmer. 

Later drove through rural villages heading to a coast that's been battered weather ways so much this season.

Also a geographical poverty visible in lack of services, Income streams, lack of produce further costs of these in few local shops.

Worsened by flooded fields, inaccessible cut off roads. Coldness sharp chilly winds.

Became fearful, wondered if roads would become unpassable driving central along roads with miner rivers, which had crossed boundaries.