Landed.

Thank you everyone for all prayers, blessings offered. I am taking Break from all bureaucratic stuff.

Gonna meet friends staying away from locality. 

My son Matty left big hole especially when had to push him around in his wheelchair. Privileged but failed to recognise how we remained in closeness.

Like fool tried to explain not meant to be your best mate,meant to be your Dad.

Physically we always sat very near so could protect his feet. Plus liked lovely way Matty would suggest a route around town. Perhaps shop he wanted buy something from, or just explore.

We will hold a memorial for Matthew, when all difficult 'submitted administration processes', have finished. So now l am here.

Telling others not to be concerned if am not active on social media platform.

Kinda feel like l have landed after some rough passage. Back on empty tarmac.

Time will pass ...

Our little hour,—how soon it dies:

How short a time to tell our beads,

To chant our feeble Litanies,

To think sweet thoughts, to do good deeds.

The altar lights grow pale and dim,

The bells hang silent in the tower—

So passes with the dying hymn

Our little hour.

Leslie Coulson

Traveling away to breathe in different place. Only two week's. Since you said goodbye.

Each morning arrives with bird song.

Cold chills, need for warm drink, echos of previous day. Each day ends sending us on journey with some rest. Then again like friend little early morning noise. 

Home full of memories, this place called home is full of happy memories.

So much done, grateful for all the years, all laughter. Found Poem Above looking at John Betejaman poems in station. One little hour, one week... one two week period.Its time passing me by.

For those experiancing 

Challenges time still moves. We move also.

Eventually LOVE wins. Grace is pretty amazing, justice does flow. Hatred gets expelled.

Struggling to grasp how Hate wins, how evil goes unchecked.

Last 11 days, encountered so much LOVE practical help, understanding, compassion.

Helped me cope with this difficulty losing only son.

Yet some wake up, near and far, national international , Wake up with a desire to bring torment along with torture. Often to those who are, innocent, powerless ,those further downtrodden.

But Love wins. Eventually LOVE will win justice will flow,River of life flow to all even those outside the walls.

Eventually LOVE wins. Grace is pretty amazing, justice does flow. Hatred gets expelled.

LIFE can be difficult.

Live this life trying to understand Theology. Making sense of God.
Working that into my work practice.
But ensuring we gather. Create community . Teach small cell groups.
Listen to ethical conduct. Hear what's not working. Discover why.
Witness different approaches. Share joys, stories, people listening they discover own working out method's.
Life tough at present. But Faith is alive, because despite fuzzy wisdom l still have to live.
Working out making sense, of this thing called LIFE You are loved.

If your reading this blog, sometimes it's just ramble. Like thoughts put down on paper. trying to enable conversation, perhaps as occasionally leads to encounters. 

Not always clear and straight forward. It can be Complex.

Wisdom knowledge and understanding can no longer be heard.

`Post Office boss Paula Vennells is formally stripped of her CBE by the King for ‘bringing honours system into disrepute`.

Had so much bureaucracy this last 7 days. Banks, post office, registers, coroners, housing, movers, all long haul.
Resilience and tolerance required a plenty

Then a tear falls, memory collides, kindness of others, TV programme or image in Nature, that cant explain. That wisdom knowledge, and understanding around sounds images in nature, can no longer be heard. Guess somehow you may know Son, trying not to say Goodnight everyday.
It's bit hard because start the day with an "Hello, Matty dad misses you".
Feel bit lost as well.
So much form filling, but most people been real fine, off the scene for a while. Daft ,silly also dam hard each corner meet, find place we had so much fun around. 
Also hard not pushing your wheelchair. Just taking me some time l suppose.

So in pain, how do we magnify the Lord.

When your in grief, the saddest part of now. When tough period had arrived.

The moment it appears your Prayers are not answered. How does one see God.?

In a different perspective it's got new way of seeing, as we traverse the troubles we are experiencing.

I struggle to read 'CD' covers, used to ask Matthew if he could see sound tracking. It all too small for myself.

Matthew younger eyes could easily read them. Needed his perspective on Wording.

That what l am applying to his passing. What is God way of being here.?

God is bigger, he knew my son's pain, he knew his bodies illness. Matthew told me..' he at my shoulder'.

l heard that statement. Witnessed the pain. Saw a body growing weak.

Too magnify is to get bigger perspective.
Beyond now, beyond grief, beyond tears.
Something better, something different, God.

 

Psalm 34 is an individual hymn of thanksgiving of David sung on the occasion of the deliverance of his very life by God, perhaps as the ultimate word about God's help to those who are in need (a summary of all that could be said about God's help in the face of oppression and hurt).

No ashes at clifftop venues. No balloons floating with letters of your name.

To you others experiencing grief, perhaps parent like myself, thinking you will find low points. Echo's of wrong word, l suppose even recall pointless argument.
But must not let guilt trip you up, sending you into spiral of regret. if you're in the wilderness, you might find that though the territory is becoming a difficult experience, you are not alone. In this moment you may find like myself at present, now becoming being busy contenting yourself with necessary legal stuff .
See some complexity with others of my sons age group. In Way address concerns.
Bittersweet that won't be seeing `Cayton Bay` together. No ashes at clifftop venues. No balloons floating with letters of his name.
Matty Wasn't the kind of person to use social media, didn't care for 'netflicks' nor `stranger things`.
Content with Spoonbill sighting. Puffin feeding being fed sprats. Gecko eating mosquitos, such a laugh.

That wonderful world is place, wherein we still chat.

Loved.....Missed.

They said if you want to meet God, look for him in Nature. We found him among caves, the coast, the seabird colonies. 

In your exotica, the animals whose welfare came to be your charge.

The kindness when we shared sandwich plus flasks with others.

You clearly left huge hole. Loved and missed.

 

Well MR Matty.

So Matthew, here some news on Avian influenza. Local shores, our rural East Yorkshire been hit, Matty, you mentioned last week about BBC look north news. This area like` spurn point` and across at `Bempton` cliffs, host internationally important numbers of seabirds.

Hearing that their populations are facing increasing pressures. Try get a copy of the collaborative report, which details the impacts of avian flu on their numbers and emphasises the importance of taking action now to safeguard seabirds.

On the days of last flooding which was birdwatch weekend we saw 2 Buzzards, sparrowhawk, 3 kestrels. Heron gulls, blackheaded gulls later Blue tits.

l been so busy getting all that other stuff sorted.

February is often associated with love and it’s no coincidence that for many birds it’s also a time of courtship.

 You had loads of   Lady's around that day you   said goodbye.

 Albatross called Wisdom is estimated to be 73 years old visited again our land.

Sitting in a park, sun is shining...thinking stuff through.

 The Jesus I read about in the Gospels, and indeed from the apostle Paul, lifts people up when they bow their knees, inviting them into a new way of being. In the scriptures, everything gets flipped on its head. As Jesus says in the gospel of Matthew: “the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve.”

Bringing perspective into the despair that l feel, Me Matthew spoke often, nature music, spiritual religious stuff, food, Can say really glad we disagreed about some issues.
I am still here sorting out stuff making plans. Legal stuff, Funeral arrangements.

You see Still wrestling, walking,
grieving with Jesus.

Others not so lucky.

If Musa sleeps tonight, if he is exhausted, resigned, or hungry enough, if the surveillance drones drown out the bombs dropping down the street – he will sleep the sleep of the righteous. “I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

You've gone. But still here, everywhere son

Found this ..l smiled. Your first published work aged about 6 got a joke printed in the Beano.

Kept same haircut, same smile developed own independence.

Boy you could do stubborn.

"Why did you leave, agreed still so much to achieve. Why couldn't we allay your fears."

You made me smile as looked through all your stuff. We are giving lot of stuff away, emptied your home. Nephews rock collection grown.

Locked the doors, switch off energy ,odd last job, your not here. Yet in other ways oddly everywhere.

Got head to our home.

Some cards arrived, Another day for them. Another day for cooking. 

Another day , may find place where l can travel. Problem as l See it,most everywhere people know Dad Kev and Matty. Know your power wheels.

Fact smiled today is HOPE. Legal stuff funeral to be arranged. YOURS.

You've gone. But still here, feel you everywhere, Son.

THEY TOLD ME ALREADY....THIS TOO WILL PASS.

God`s wants to meet with you and me in this place called grief, in the long now, in the rusty, drawn out grey period presently placed, this pain, this sorrow. 

First weekend without you, been on long bus ride, taking longer one home.
Where empty wheelchair is folded away, 

Till someone else needs your power wheels. Sometime yesterday chatted to your empty wheelchair about the messy complexities of your life.

Of course Matthew, like mine and others. Your stubbornness' , resilience,strengths, when you said goodbye, tears seeing you depart.

More time must pass between us, l must grow old and soon.

Confused about how much you knew along with bit of legal mess you've made. Cheeky monkey.  

So l took our wonder nature walk, Gotta tell you, watched Wild bird life, well `Heron` stood on patrol at river side, `Buzzard` flew our skies, Small `pippin` darted by, 'Reindeer` far away stood paused in a field.

A seals head appeared and waves hit the shore.

Let you know when there is more.

Where is God when it hurts so bad?

That you can't hold back the tears?

Where is God in the sickness

That the prayers didn't fix?

When it don't make sense

Where is God in all of this?

Right here where He's always been.

He never left and He never will.

`THE AFTERS``

Have to go now, can't see due to the tears anyway.

So much to do when you already said Goodbye.

Appears others at last, concerned about the deal you got from health providers.

Witnessing the Love that created for you, helped me, keeping very busy.

Your presence Matty is everywhere, still talking to you like your here. Few have noticed.

Just need a bit of time l suppose.

Family and friends been supportive. Think let all who need too, that you passed away.

"Have to go now, can't see due to the tears anyway."

Well Matty went toget your magazine today. Going to take me a while to understand.

We are not exempt from caring for the hungry, thirsty, naked, imprisoned – truth is to care for ill, vulnerable ,poorly, outcast, Simply is our mandate if we want to demonstrate Jesus ,simply if we want fulfil Gods calling.

"

Well Matty, went to get your magazine today. Going to take me a while to understand."

Mathew my son, experienced `great injustice` in NHS health care provision, he was failed.

Its really tough. 

My son is still everywhere.

All the clichés make no sense

All them poems, all the tears, all the pain.

Some regrets. But those memories playing over ,over over bringing back into focus the JOYS. Clouded by pain he experienced.

But worse is the promise he made to `get better and stay as my best mate`. Little Monkey.

Feeling so mixed up, unhappy, pretty sad.

Coping with this is all new. So engaging myself with the practical stuff.

The pain he was in probably worse l ever witnessed. Last 2 years this was almost daily experience.

We recently stopped watched a wild bird,

Already fed the donkeys,

we ate together,

l cooked, attempted to enable a meal to be provided.

Talked long and often.

Memories.

Mathew experienced `great injustice` in his health care provision, he was failed.

He was a Beautiful Human Being.

Matthew, my son and best mate, farewell.

 01 March 1984

14 February 2024

No more Pain, no more fear 

More than a Son. Miss you, loving Dad.

Another's musings

So the fine oil of love rises out of the hidden depths

through cracks in the hard strata of the world,

so subtle we cannot see, but only feel it

when, drawn to us, it finds its way

and seeps in.

We are tenants in this world, not its owners.  We are stewards of the earth, not its rulers.  We are servants of each other, no matter our station in life.  Whatever roles we occupy are temporary assignments to be left in better condition when we leave than when we entered.

Gee spending a bit too much time worrying about end times of me. Stumbled upon it in a blog by Jim Burklo American theologian.

Like this. Says stuff feel agree with. Lot more but you can direct yourself to his `Musings`.

Don't know about everybody but me l`m Fine....

Some people first heard this Unie in 90`s been calling themselves,  “spiritual, not religious.” 

Some have literally come out as `The new atheist.` Met some (they appear), `camped in Deconstructionist`, also identify as angry, embittered, feel sad or worse call themselves lost.

Know this may come across as ODD. But me some would argue, but guess what myself identify` just fine`. Refuse to be conservative about this description after nearly 50 plus years of a faith journey in hard, tough mission fields.

l am also commissioned (twice) deanery and Synod. as a Pastor.

Yet still developing in my understanding, working out, wrestling, conversations, the way grasp concepts of theology.

I am 'just fine', still developing, comfortable. Still growing in the `Just fine area`.

Only issue if it still applies, is that few of my young mates from teens are not walking in the faith. But they have not left the Faith.

l am still using this process called five levels .

level five;- total openness.

level four;- feelings.

level three;- opinions.

level two;- facts.

level one;- cliché.

Method to share,discuss, talk about Faith.

Still comfortable in moving, storming, normalising, in this area of communication, and relationship development.

if really want to know more email me kevin_wllr@yahoo.co.uk
for reading list...or try buy---- John Allan's `why am l afraid to`
or PIP Wilsons----` Gutter feelings.`

Bad health days are frustrating.

Can't escape that Kevin W, in November of his LIFE. Frustrated by really '-ill health days'-!

That simply is the Tough part of LIFE being hard. l Know Tomorrow will be super.

We are all truly – one – as interconnected energy, molecules and atoms spinning around the universe. We exist in God, of God, for God and as God as God is in us, of us, for us, and as us. Everything is Oneness. When we immersive, live inside these concepts, life is transformed.

The Kevin W process.

Reimagining what influence my views.

TV does that for sure.

Other people in flesh but less so, 

Perhaps newspaper. Music listen too.

Radio more so especially radio 2 and Radio 4. 

Think most influence is Podcast's, like Unbelievable, which centers On Faith apologetics.

Nomadic Podcast's which is very much centered on Faith wrestling , Deconstruction is pounded around.

How l process stuff biggest factor.Thinking while walking.
Writing own copass notes and reflections about the same notes.
Being in nature good places to think it all through.

Your health generally.

 Matty not getting correct support.

NHS in UK is failing, l am older than my son but had similar symptoms for few years.leg goes numb form thigh down. Need to rest, fall asleep.

Got Oxygen machine , tablets that creat better Airways. Lucky and grateful.

But health is not a Gift, got to maintain need to discipline self to be as fit may possibly achieve .same with mind read often, do puzzles, converse, listen.

Write down stuff reflect.

Spiritual is about all these plus take time to serve others 

Do this cheerful and humbly. Steward well both resources and time can afford to share.

General health check. Dance play Dance music, dance with others 

Gather with others, listen to others.

God bless you, hope your health is good.

Where did it go that yesterglow of yesterday.

l suppose would have been around 11,when with brother and friends first went to Boothferry park.

We had so much to Discover but at that age your so fearless. No concept that in the year 1972 there was football violence, along with stranger danger, menace of roads, we had pennies the world was huge. It was ours waiting to be discovered, adventures, love, knees to be cut, shoes to worn out, unknown hearts to be broken.

First kiss may have taken place. But little else.

Leather belt, angry Father strict home background.

`Cruel schooling, poor education, poverty`, were not issues we recognised.

Street fights over Bonfire wood. camping trips near Drainside, We bought stale pastry from bakeries at top of street.

Second hand juke box vinyl singles.

Sat on river side till it got dark, these were our seasons in the sun. Paper rounds and Twix bars, plastic soldiers, comics, Batman at the movies and Beatles on radio.

Chants of WAGGY WAGGY WAGGY. Train from Boothferry halt. Dock strikes. Free school dinners. Conker's and jumping from third floor of old house onto collected mattress gathered to break our falls below.

The innocence, the laughter, the energy, the adventures.

Kissing Carol S, she gave me `Elvis in Memphis`, Treasured till finally it was worn out.

But replaced on CD at Camden, London, in early Noughties.

Still l wonder..wonder l do...Where did it go that yesterglow of yesterday.

10 years since first wrote something like LIFE Verse.

 



















Not changed much…l swear.
Anyway here it is my present life verse
Can email me yours on …
kevin_wllr@yahoo.co.uk
Read all comments and emails as you know, answer back pretty Quick. So thanks…here’s my LIFE verse.
Again.

…l always thought l’d see you just one time again.
Much before the `Hope see you in Heaven`.. till then,
Take best care of you. ME…always find Me alone on a sandy beach. Waiting. 

tell tale signs that inform you . . . .

To introduce ourselves, try look the other person in the eyes. All behaviour writings inform us , this is best we can see by someone's facial expressions how they are reacting. There this `unconscious socialization abilities` that written about by Rogers . .  person centered approaches...Stephenson, The Couch trip .., Bernie `I`m OK your OK etc.. You can pick up the cues. Face to Face is best way to communicate.

Little tell tale signs that inform you, how you're being understood.

Not sure l agree but someone more clever then l..said 20 seconds is the time we form view on someone.  Make sure you are paying attention to them — and not to you. 

It is very difficult elderly people to change their attitudes, actions, and lives. 

We must all do our utmost to disagree in a manner which shows the love of Jesus Christ to every person we encounter, especially those with whom we disagree.

OK to argue, important to debate. Wise to discuss, have coffee and chat 

Listen, listen with all your body.Reflect write stuff down.

Occasionally they are Everywhere.

Reminded today by new college. Some older people do not use the internet. Nor social media.

Reminded them that actually many aged 6 to 86 plus, do use the internet. Use it better then myself.

There is mistrust there is misuse. But fear should not be a guide, neither should `feeling `.....uncomfortable.

Some l know like the comfort of emotional literacy, like to be an outsider by not being internet users.

Not others place to 'accommodate them'.

LIFE

I miss very many things, but mostly people.

Miss relationships, remember like only yesterday those who do not grow old in your mind.

Miss places, know can travel to that place again. Know time does not wait for anyone.

But it's a person, loved person. They don't leave like people do.

They are occasionally. Everywhere.

On the beach walk, with you they admire the cliff top view.

Sitting quietly, with you while watching a Gangster movie.

They are the extra place you want to serve at dinner.

Occasionally they are with you, Everywhere we go.

Look around.

                 LIFE Sometimes it just tough.

Spring Feels like its arriving, further `Hope` in Nature is making signs.

Won't get too fooled, still in winter, still in the Autumn of my LIFE.

HOPE ,just a glimpse,!

As a family we gathered to say farewell to Aunty. True coulers of Family ,friendship and fellowship came out. Amid the grief of the nearest there was a service of Hope.

With Eulogy given so bravely by Eldest daughter. Clear and witnessed with the gathering. Their friendship, special relationship between Mother and child is still very special.

We are from geographical impoverished area. Come from large family. Come from the North economic well being not ever been developed. by Political authoritarian elite. Also suppressed city often been socialist stronghold. But since Wilberforce’s day Socialism not really been understood.

Just better than that other party.

We gathered, grief was evident, Reverend gave balanced service.

Later had some food, lots of reflection discussion. Departed.

This was an experience of HOPE. In for myself period when many Hospital visits, others pain plus illness’s, some tears, Sadness’s. Needed to witness sense of HOPE.

Family. Friends.Faith brought this glimmer of HOPE?

 

coming soon HOPE....Are you ready?

There are at present, despite suffering alongside my Son his trauma, there are these signs that LIFE is still beautiful. Which of course it is. 

Level 5 reflections with you good folks, open, honest,exposed are these sharing moments.

Want you to know that LIFE needs us to communicate better. I am not able to emphatically grasp the trauma Matty my son, is exposed too. Words feel weak, Words can be misunderstood, But silence is just a gap that's uncomfortable.

The sun shines with these glorious coulers across the sky's as these wild temperatures meet.

Its bitterly cold, icy winds, slowness and unhealthy food.

Want to be elsewhere but still stuck in this difficult period.

Uncomfortable but look at beauty, in that there is HOPE.

Coming soon HOPE....Are you ready.